Deep in the Heart

FAMILY

“If anyone asks, just say you’re from Texas, and if that’s not good enough, tell ’em to go to hell.” —Nana


It’s summer between seventh and eighth grade in middle school. I would turn 13 that August, and my grandparents on Dad’s side were taking my brother, Brian, and me to Texas. It was like a family vacation, only it was two weeks and change long, and my parents weren’t coming along. I guess you could call it one of my grandparents’ retirement trips. They took off for a couple of weeks because they could. We got to go with them.

We drove the entire way in a burgundy Oldsmobile, winding west, stopping now and then to rest along Interstate 10, Nana and Brian in the backseat, Paps and me in the front seat. I was the designated navigator, outfitted with cool shades, an atlas, and a sense of direction much better than my grandmother’s. Brian played pocket video games, and his most urgent request was that whatever motel we stayed in that night had a swimming pool. We laid up for the second night of our trip some place in Louisiana. We’d pulled off the highway early, probably four in the afternoon or so. Paps was taking the drive down slowly.

It was a classic side-of-the-road motor lodge, the kind where the pool and its concrete deck were off to the side, near the parking lot, with a teal iron fence around it. The wind was blowing the bayou air, and leaves and bugs littered the water’s chlorinated surface. We had about thirty minutes to splash around (although I only remember Brian jumping in) before the thunder started rumbling beyond the interstate. Soon the thunderheads rolled over for a drenching rain. We ate supper at a Shoney’s that night and fell asleep to the glow of a television broadcasting a baseball game, the room’s air conditioner blasting away under the window.

In this brilliant moment

Go back to the beginning. Start over.


I am thinking of the beautiful seconds in life, the kind where a passing glance is an open window, is a brief respite, a new beginning, a slow warming inside.

I think of an Indiana sunset, of being struck by the empty expanse of earth around me, the perfect altitude of clouds, the urge to pull over, stop the car on the side of the interstate, and gaze for a few moments.

This morning on the way to daycare, my daughter, in the backseat, looking out of the window at the world passing, watching like I’ve never seen her watch before, paying attention in new ways. She turns, catches me watching her, and smiles. I reach back and pat her knee, and she reaches out and pats my hand in turn.

I needed to get away from my email this morning, so I walked downtown for coffee. I see the fellow who runs the local inn, who pedals his guests in a pedicab in the mornings. They have stopped to admire the old buildings on campus.

Prayer II (for Nana)

FAITH

Gracious Lord, I open my heart to you. My body and spirit are but a fleeting, dim flame compared to the light that is yours. But just as two fires together burn brighter, my soul shines immeasurably larger when you are near to me. Forgive me for all of the times I turn away and leave your work undone.

Today, especially, I ask your presence with my grandmother, Nana. Be with her today. Lord, I cannot pray for you to heal her completely, because life on earth is temporary and eternity with you too sweet. I cannot pray for her to rush away too fast, because I love her too much to let her go just yet.

I know, though, that every moment she lingers here with us, Lord, is a difficult moment for her, so I pray for absolution. Lift from her the obligations that might burden her mind. With every bit of pain or confusion she might feel, bring her peace and comfort. When she feels worried or alone, bring her courage and fulfillment.

Above all, I pray she feels confident in the completion of her life, that she knows her days were lessons for us, that she understands we will carry our steps reflecting the love she lived every day, the love and light that starts with you.

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